Feedback is about giving as well as receiving

For me, whether the feedback is good or bad, it motivates me to work harder. In addition, it often provides a perspective that I hadn’t previously considered and leads to a better outcome. On the other hand, when I’m unable to get quality input on my work, I feel a little lost, with no clear direction or pathways to improvement.

When receiving feedback, it’s easy to feel personally attacked.

“How dare they say anything needs to change? I’m the one who spent 20+ hours writing this 10,000 word report!”

But it’s important to remember that your friends and colleagues are almost certainly not trying to hurt you; in fact, they’re trying to help because they want to see you improve. Be mindful that the other person is on your team, whether literally or metaphorically, and that their feedback comes from a good place, even if it can be frustrating to hear.

When you’re seeing red, it’s easy to hear only the negative part of what people are saying to you. Instead of losing my temper (and thus my sense of perspective), I take a deep breath and try to really listen to what the other person is saying. In most cases, they’re offering an idea that they sincerely believe will improve the project or help me go further in my work.

You’ve remembered that the person offering feedback is on your team, you’ve listened to what they’re saying, and you’ve tried to approach it with a ‘yes’ mentality—but what if you still feel like the feedback was just plain wrong? Instead of dismissing or ignoring it, I recommend giving it a try.

You can always go back to what you had before, but if you try out the suggested changes, you might find that they actually work. You may also find that there’s a solution that lies somewhere between the two perspectives.

Giving feedback can often be just as nerve-wracking as receiving it, so here are a few tips for when the shoe is on the other foot.

I have a two-year-old daughter, and the ‘terrible twos’ are a very real concept. Having just entered this new stage of discovery, I read two books to get an understanding of where she was coming from. Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne recommend connection then redirection with your kids to help show that you’re actually listening to them, and the same principle can be applied when giving feedback.

You can start with something like: “I can really see where you’re coming from, but I wonder if…” or  “I totally understand why you did it this way, but have you considered…”

I’ve found that this opens up the conversation and allows the recipient to feel that they’re being heard, thus creating more of a connection between you both.

This one comes from my life coach, Kristine Ayuzawa. She recommends always starting a feedback-giving session by using the word ‘I’:

“I noticed that you were doing this, can I ask how you landed on that?”

“I feel like it would be beneficial to…”

Rather than starting with ‘you’:

“You always leave the door open when you leave the office.”

“You’re always doing…”

‘You’ sounds like an accusation, whereas starting with ‘I’ sounds as though you’re just stating the way you’re feeling.

When giving feedback, you should always try to think it through to the logical end point, otherwise you risk sounding like you’re providing more problems rather than actually helping find a better solution. I make sure to state what I see as the issue and then explain what I would do in that situation.

By providing solutions, even if they’re not the true endpoint, it shows the other person that you care about what they’re working on and that you really want to help them improve.

“I like this, all I would add is…”

“Oh, I see exactly what you’re going for, I think it would be even better if…”

If someone is asking for your feedback, it means that they trust you and respect your opinion. This in turn means they want to hear your thoughts on how you would handle the situation they’re in—so be sure to respond accordingly.

Let me leave you with a story.

There’s a manager at Wahl+Case who is notorious for giving harsh feedback. When I first joined, I always felt frustrated and shut down after receiving their criticism.

One day, we had a call instead of seeing their words in text, and hearing their voice as they delivered the feedback allowed me to acknowledge the earnest tone they were using. Because of this I could see that it wasn’t some sort of vendetta they had against me personally. I could hear that they were on my team and they wanted to see me improve, I could listen to what they were actually saying, I was more open to saying yes, and I was more willing to give their ideas a try.

Now, I value this manager’s thoughts and I always thank them sincerely for their feedback.

Remember, whether it is one of your dominant motivators or not, feedback is one of the best ways to drive intrinsic motivation and make work meaningful, so use it well!