Feedback is about giving as well as receiving
You poured your soul into this project.
Your heart is pounding in your throat as you try to look like you’re not studying your colleague’s face while they take in your work.
There is a brief pause. All of your effort is now being spent on sweating.
Then they deliver the thing that you asked for: feedback.
[drum roll]
“It’s good, but…”
We’ve all been there.
Feedback is vital to our progress, as Daniel Pink, author of Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, explained in his TED Talk. The legendary investor Warren Buffet, meanwhile, called feedback “a gift”—so why can it sometimes be so hard to receive?
Key steps to receiving feedback in the right way
For me, whether the feedback is good or bad, it motivates me to work harder. In addition, it often provides a perspective that I hadn’t previously considered and leads to a better outcome. On the other hand, when I’m unable to get quality input on my work, I feel a little lost, with no clear direction or pathways to improvement.
So, as someone with a growth mindset who values feedback as one of my dominant (93%) Intrinsic Motivators, I’ve tried to form a deeper understanding of why my initial response can be defensive.
What I learned was that, like everything else, receiving feedback is a skill that needs practice.
Now when I ask for feedback, I keep these five steps in mind:
Step 1: Recognize the intent
When receiving feedback, it’s easy to feel personally attacked.
“How dare they say anything needs to change? I’m the one who spent 20+ hours writing this 10,000 word report!”
But it’s important to remember that your friends and colleagues are almost certainly not trying to hurt you; in fact, they’re trying to help because they want to see you improve. Be mindful that the other person is on your team, whether literally or metaphorically, and that their feedback comes from a good place, even if it can be frustrating to hear.
Step 2: Listen to what they’re actually saying
When you’re seeing red, it’s easy to hear only the negative part of what people are saying to you. Instead of losing my temper (and thus my sense of perspective), I take a deep breath and try to really listen to what the other person is saying. In most cases, they’re offering an idea that they sincerely believe will improve the project or help me go further in my work.
Step 3: Just say yes
If you receive feedback that you don’t like, the initial defensive instinct is often to say no. You may even feel like you have a strong logical argument as to why the feedback represents a bad suggestion. But even if your gut reaction is to reject the other person’s ideas, try to see them in a positive light and take the time to imagine implementing the changes they’re suggesting.
Adopting a ‘yes’ mentality gives you the sense of perspective necessary to absorb the feedback and to think through all of the steps for getting to where the other person is suggesting you may want to go. During this mental process, you may find that you’re able to see what they’re trying to say in a different way, and that it makes more sense in terms of what you’re trying to achieve.
Moreover, it’s possible that the other person may also be feeling vulnerable by sharing their ideas with you. If you respond to their feedback in a more positive manner, they will be more likely to offer you feedback in the future.
Step 4: Give it a try
You’ve remembered that the person offering feedback is on your team, you’ve listened to what they’re saying, and you’ve tried to approach it with a ‘yes’ mentality—but what if you still feel like the feedback was just plain wrong? Instead of dismissing or ignoring it, I recommend giving it a try.
You can always go back to what you had before, but if you try out the suggested changes, you might find that they actually work. You may also find that there’s a solution that lies somewhere between the two perspectives.
Step 5: Thank them sincerely for their input
I’m sure I don’t need to explain why you need to say thank you, and yet it’s worth pointing it out as, in the heat of the moment, especially if we’re feeling a tad defensive, it can be something that’s all too easy to forget.
If you value your friends and co-workers enough to ask for their feedback, make sure that you also thank them for their time and suggestions. Feedback should be something that is openly and consistently shared, otherwise we end up with echo chambers that result in tone deaf missteps like the Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial. Thanking people for their feedback is a good way of making sure that they’re willing to tell you the truth in the future.
Five tips for giving feedback
Giving feedback can often be just as nerve-wracking as receiving it, so here are a few tips for when the shoe is on the other foot.
Tip 1: Start with connection and understanding
I have a two-year-old daughter, and the ‘terrible twos’ are a very real concept. Having just entered this new stage of discovery, I read two books to get an understanding of where she was coming from. Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne recommend connection then redirection with your kids to help show that you’re actually listening to them, and the same principle can be applied when giving feedback.
You can start with something like: “I can really see where you’re coming from, but I wonder if…” or “I totally understand why you did it this way, but have you considered…”
I’ve found that this opens up the conversation and allows the recipient to feel that they’re being heard, thus creating more of a connection between you both.
Tip 2: Give suggestions, not commands
When you tell people to do something a certain way, you immediately place yourself in a position of superiority to that person. Regardless of whether this may be true in terms of company hierarchy, I’ve found that people often see this as a form of condescension and generally react badly. One way to get around this is to offer suggestions rather than telling them that you know best and they need to listen to you.
A suggestion could be framed as: “I like what you’re doing, but perhaps you could also do this...” or “This is really interesting. Just an idea, but how would you feel about trying this...?”
This gives the person you’re interacting with the feeling that they are still in control.
If they turn down the suggestion you can push back with: “Yeah, you’re probably right, but I just want to try this and see how it would look/sound/etc.”
In most cases, this framing demonstrates that you’re not saying their ideas are wrong or bad, just that you want to explore some other possibilities.
Tip 3: Focus on the ‘I’ not the ‘you’
This one comes from my life coach, Kristine Ayuzawa. She recommends always starting a feedback-giving session by using the word ‘I’:
“I noticed that you were doing this, can I ask how you landed on that?”
“I feel like it would be beneficial to…”
Rather than starting with ‘you’:
“You always leave the door open when you leave the office.”
“You’re always doing…”
‘You’ sounds like an accusation, whereas starting with ‘I’ sounds as though you’re just stating the way you’re feeling.
Tip 4: Offer solutions, not criticism
When giving feedback, you should always try to think it through to the logical end point, otherwise you risk sounding like you’re providing more problems rather than actually helping find a better solution. I make sure to state what I see as the issue and then explain what I would do in that situation.
By providing solutions, even if they’re not the true endpoint, it shows the other person that you care about what they’re working on and that you really want to help them improve.
“I like this, all I would add is…”
“Oh, I see exactly what you’re going for, I think it would be even better if…”
If someone is asking for your feedback, it means that they trust you and respect your opinion. This in turn means they want to hear your thoughts on how you would handle the situation they’re in—so be sure to respond accordingly.
Tip 5: Get concrete details
This last tip is really more for those in a management position or in a situation where you’re expected to solve a problem that has arisen. Getting the details will be the difference between winning the respect of your colleagues or looking like you’re short tempered and jumping to conclusions.
Find out as much as you can about the situation before offering your feedback or solutions. Asking why, how, and exactly what happened will all be important because, if you start giving your thoughts and the problem turns out to be the fault of another party or a different problem altogether, it’s nearly impossible to walk back your overreaction.
Conclusion
Let me leave you with a story.
There’s a manager at Wahl+Case who is notorious for giving harsh feedback. When I first joined, I always felt frustrated and shut down after receiving their criticism.
One day, we had a call instead of seeing their words in text, and hearing their voice as they delivered the feedback allowed me to acknowledge the earnest tone they were using. Because of this I could see that it wasn’t some sort of vendetta they had against me personally. I could hear that they were on my team and they wanted to see me improve, I could listen to what they were actually saying, I was more open to saying yes, and I was more willing to give their ideas a try.
Now, I value this manager’s thoughts and I always thank them sincerely for their feedback.
Remember, whether it is one of your dominant motivators or not, feedback is one of the best ways to drive intrinsic motivation and make work meaningful, so use it well!
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